TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains references to mental health and suicide.
"I was like 'what the f*** is going on?'"
Reni Maitua, who played the first 100 games of his NRL career for the Canterbury Bulldogs after coming through the youth ranks at South Sydney, was sacked by the club at the end of 2008 for a string of off-field issues.
Speaking on Unfiltered with Andy Raymond, Maitua said he understood why he had to be released by the club, but didn't take it well at the time.
"There were some factors around me getting sacked at the Dogs, but there was one too many indiscretions at the Bulldogs where [Todd] Greenberg and Kevin Moore thought it was best I was removed from the club," Maitua said on the podcast.
The sacking led Maitua to the Sharks, where he linked up with Ricky Stuart on the promise of being able to fight for his Australian jersey.
Under an alcohol ban, Maitua was one of Cronulla's best during the opening weeks of a dismal 2009 campaign, but was allowed to have a drink after the club's eighth loss.
He then made the fateful decision to take recreational drugs while drinking - a drug mixed with a performance-enhancing substance - which led to his suspension from the game for two years.
The now 41-year-old now admits that he didn't address his emotional demons while suspended.
"Yeah, look, I didn't address anything when I got suspended. It was just tucked away. I'll just put it away. You're blatantly a drug addict, an alcoholic, there was some pretty big warning signs. Like, you were being very destructive with the people around you. Everyone that cared about you, you'd push away or wouldn't listen to. It was a reoccurring story that you hear across the board, really, and I was the person creating this chaos," Maitua said.
"I don't feel normal unless there is chaos in my life. I don't know what it is."
Maitua would be handed another chance at the Parramatta Eels for the 2011 season, having also had interest shown in him by the Melbourne Storm.
Thanks to a second year on the contract offer, the former star elected to go to Parramatta, while the Storm were only willing to commit to a single season.
Maitua excelled during a difficult 2012 for Parramatta, but admitted he set the bar too far for himself and allowed himself to listen to external noise.
"I came back, played that year at Parra, and unfortunately I came back into the side when they weren't doing well, but I was proud of my efforts," he said.
"That was the end of the first year, and then the second year, we had another rough year. I wouldn't say I was outstanding, but I showed I wanted to play for Australia, wanted to play Origin.
"That was my goal, but I set the bar too high. I was like, 'I want this, I want this, I want this,' but that's where it starts getting hold of you, because people forget you have had two years out of the game, but they remember you have won a premiership, you've played for Australia, why aren't you doing better?
"So, you start listening to that external noise, it's part of the game."
Ricky Stuart's return to the club in 2013 was a turning point for Maitua, who admitted he expected the coach to cut him loose after the 2009 saga at Cronulla.
Despite that turbulent time, the pair had forged a strong relationship, and Maitua trained hard through the off-season, including a trip to Thailand to continue training during the Christmas break.
However, with no downtime, his body soon began to betray him, with Maitua self-medicating with painkillers. Maitua was voted in as club captain by the playing group - something he couldn't accept, leading to Parramatta electing co-captains.
"Ricky Stuart came back to the club in 2013 and if I wanted to do it for anyone, I wanted to do it for Ricky. I let him down in 2009," Maitua explains.
"We had a really awkward conversation in the pre-season, I was completely honest with him, and I thought he was going to get rid of me [before he came back to the club]. We had a pretty good relationship, and f*** we trained hard. We trained so hard, and I wanted it so bad, but I was 30, going on 31, and I couldn't keep up. I wasn't back of the field, but I was probably mid-range, and I wanted to be top tier. I wanted to be up near Hindy (Nathan Hindmarsh).
"I was pushing hard, but I couldn't get there, and it started eating away at me. I started to feel the pressure of like, your career is falling away. It's noise in your head. You sort of notice it, then we had the Christmas break and I flew to Thailand to train again, so I didn't have a break.
"We come back in January, and I'm falling even further behind, my body's breaking down, my back's going on me, I had ankle problems. I started self-medicating, pain-killers, thinking we will get through this. We have a vote of who is going to be captain, and in a squad of thirty, 27 picked me. Ricky pulls me aside, and I said I don't want the captaincy because I knew how I was feeling personally. I knew how I was struggling. [But] I didn't know I was at that point of being depressed.
"Ricky said 'your team wants you to be captain,' and I said I'm not a captain. I'm the captain of the social scene, but I'm not a leader. He said I'll make a deal with you. I'll make Tim Mannah and Jarryd Hayne your co-captains, and I could cop that."
Parramatta's 2013 season went from bad to worse, and for Maitua, the expectation and pressure - as well as being away from home - left him reeling, but not understanding why he couldn't temper his emotions.
"I felt isolated living in Parramatta, and I felt so far away [from the Eastern Suburbs]. I was either the life of the party at training, or I was sitting in my car sobbing for no reason.
"I was like 'what the f*** is going on?'"
A late-season loss to the Brisbane Broncos - Parramatta's ninth defeat in ten starts - saw Maitua break down after the game, crying in the dressing sheds before turning to alcohol.
At this point, Reni Maitua reveals he made a "stupid decision" while "blind drunk." He had decided to end his own life.
"That was the boiling point for me. After Brisbane, I had enough, I wanted out," he said.
"Again, it was a game where I felt like I had a good game, and then I walked off the field and just started bawling in front of the teammates and I was like 'what is this?'
"I drank after the game, onto the plane, all through the next day until I made a decision when I was blind drunk. I don't know if it's most people, but people do make a stupid decision when they are blind drunk.
"It was a decision I f***ing regret.
"If I had the balls to do it, I probably would have done it. If it was going to be done, it would have been done. I probably wasn't even man enough to go through with it anyway. I've never actually admitted that, but it was a really strange period."
Long-term best friend Willie Tonga was credited with saving Maitua's life that night, revealing later he had just seconds to make an incredible decision.
โWhat I saw that night I do not wish upon anyone,โ Tonga told the Sunday Mail in 2014.
โEverything that unfolded that night, I can only tell this story the way it happened ... for me to arrive when I did and save Reni's life, I really feel it was a miracle.
โIt was a blessing, one beyond my control.
โI reckon if I arrived 10 or 20 seconds later, we wouldn't be having this conversation. Reni would be gone. My life would have changed forever, more than it already has.โ
Maitua, who admits he is still emotionally not 100 per cent, played the following week attempting to hide what had happened, and revealed he did group therapy, as well as being on medication for "about a year" afterwards.
Maitua left the Eels at the end of 2013, linking back up with the Bulldogs for a season, before rounding out his career with stints at the Featherstone Rovers, Salford Red Devils, Leigh Centurions and Toronto Wolfpack.
Listen to the incredible interview with Reni Maitua on Unfiltered with Andy Raymond
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